In this age of Facebook validation, couples always seem to be vying for most creative announcement of their pregnancy or birth. That being said, every cycle we’ve done I’ve imagined how we would do the exact same thing. (Side note, if I’m ever blessed with a baby, I’m keeping pictures of my uterus to myself thankyouverymuch). These creative announcements tend to fall around holidays which can be extra challenging to the infertile. What was once a intermittent stream of bittersweet pokes becomes information overload. The hardest part is the guilt for having mixed feelings. I am genuinely happy for most of the people who are expecting or have had a new baby. Generally I feel like most people deserve to be happy. But I feel so wronged sometimes, like somehow this newlywed didn’t wait her turn or “why do they have their third before we have our first”. I’m not proud of this.
When a few people introduced the world to their valentine today, part of me felt that pain again. However, it being the 10th Valentine’s Day with Hubby I also gained some perspective. Hubby and I have been so focused on making a family with a Baby RafKap we lost sight of the original RafKap Family…us. There was a period in the not so distant past that I was pretty sure our marriage was over. We just felt so broken. We couldn’t seem to fight fair about anything, from whether or not to continue fertility treatment to who should do the dishes. Thankfully we recognized that we still deeply loved each other and that was worth saving. We decided to meet with one of the psychologists who specialized in couples work. It wasn’t overnight and it certainly was work, but I can honestly say that this is the best our relationship has ever been.
I love my husband. He has been saving me from myself every day since the day we met. I live with anxiety and fear and when we met, I was crippled by it. He accepted me so completely and assured me of his care so well that he made me feel safe. He isn’t perfect but he’s the only person with whom I could ever imagine wanting to share this life. I hate his night shifts because he makes the bed cozier. Nine years later I still look forward to seeing him and I still get butterflies. Yet, we got to a point when I almost walked away. Infertility and its related emotions fight dirty by taking whatever flaws your relationship has and magnifying them.
I can’t say that I’m anyone to take advice from, but for what it’s worth, don’t ever lose sight of your relationship. There’s a reason that you fell for this person. There’s something that told you being forever linked by the life of your child was a good idea. Don’t forget it.
Happy Valentine’s Day.