Becoming

There are a few things I never realized about how this process changes you. For starters, I never realized how judgmental I am/was/can be. I had no idea how negatively I viewed people who say and feel the things I do and have made some of the choices I have had to make.

I was the queen of side-eye at people who cared about pesticides, hormones, and chemicals. I think part of it was that I grew up in a larger family with hardworking parents who needed to support all of us and I’ve also never been one to question my government’s desire to protect me. If it wasn’t safe, the FDA wouldn’t approve it, and why does it need to cost so much more when we’re on a budget. I think I also only judged the people I knew lived this way because they were so outspoken in judging everyone who didn’t believe as they did. Now, I find myself doing all of our shopping at Whole Foods, where I look for things without BPA, pthalates, and unnecessary dyes. I lather up with an essential oil bar of soap after years of loving bath and body works.

I also never bought into alternative medicine or supplements. My mom was ahead of that curve. She read Dr. Andrew Weil’s book before he was a homeopathic household name, and dragged me and the book in to the health clinic where this information did result in my diagnosis of autoimmune hypothyroid. She to this day has a basket full of vitamins and supplements that she credits with most of her good health. I’ve spent the better part of 20 years rolling my eyes at her and now I’ve joined right in. I started with coQ-10 and now have added a blend of myo-inositol and folic acid.

Time will tell if any of these lifestyle changes and supplements were even worth it, but it’s still bizarre that I’ve gotten here. After our last cycle, I learned that my little embryos are not growing well because my egg quality is poor. I was faced with what seemed like the only option: improving egg quality. A Google search turned into a forum search which became reading a book called “It Starts with an Egg”. And thus began the war on pthalates. I started small, and we still are progressively changing what we use in the home as things run out. I first started with the coQ-10 for my little mitochondria and recently added the other supplement to supposedly “restore ovulatory function” and “improve egg quality”.

I’m being forced to abandon all my preconceptions and judgments because it’s the only thing I have left. It’s evidently part of the infertility process. Regardless of how little sense it may make, if it has any chance of working, it’s worth a try. I was also incredibly judgmental of the women who wrote blogs and books and felt really bitter about their infertility. I never thought that would be me.This damn infertility business really is a bugger.

So now I find myself trying to keep my sanity and balance leading a less toxic lifestyle with the hatred of wasting things, so chemical laden perfume is allowed sometimes if I use nontoxic soaps and unscented lotion. Haven’t gone to a full natural detergent but at least it’s free of fragrance and dye. As household products run out we try to replace with less toxic versions.

Maybe if I eat mostly organic and do all these things, it won’t be the end of the world to drink some brake fluid in Fireball.

I feel like a walking set of first world problems.

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