Retrospect

I’m writing this post one handed from an iPhone but it was this or start overturning tables in a crowded food court. I’m getting better with my bitterness, but it is still very much a work in progress.

I had a stressful morning to say the least. Ran late and had to scramble out of work to get to an appointment to update my testing in case we want to start again. Insurance in its infinite wisdom needs yearly updates, you know, just in case I finally grew that other half of a uterus. This test isn’t like an eye exam either. It’s super invasive and incredibly uncomfortable. Thankfully uncomfortable was the word this time around instead of unbearably painful. My last one was easily 8/10 pain. I was dreading this and kvetching to the ladies when my boss said what I should have heard a long time ago: Tell them it hurts and ask them to go slow. I did just that and it was so much better.  I felt like an idiot. Maybe it’s the fact Hubby and I deal with the sick and injured but I think I care way too much about being an easy patient. I wonder if any of this would be different if I had been one of the demanding albeit assertive people I dread.

Oddly enough, the most painful part of it was stepping foot into the building where I had all my monitoring during my cycles. It has been months.  I felt an odd sense of shame, like walking into your old job years after you were fired or something. The waiting room was full of ladies at various points in the process. While I was waiting the Today Show had a segment on babies and the young woman across from me smiled and said “how perfect”. I’m pretty sure I smiled back but I was thinking “oh Honey, this must be your initial consult because there is nothing perfect about seeing babies at the fertility clinic” and I hated her for a minute. Or maybe I hated myself for losing all of her optimism.

Somehow I thought wandering Sephora and having lunch would calm this but I definitely had no idea that the mall is stroller central at noon on a Friday. But at least this post and some lunch helped a bit. Maybe I was just hangry.

I need some new shoes (sorry Hubby).

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