Please hold

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern… And I hate it. In my life I like to feel like I’m going somewhere and that I’m moving along towards whatever the destination is. That’s probably why I secretly (not anymore!) like the fact my work site changes once a year or so. I also love planning my life entirely too far in advance. 

And here I am stalled. 

I have left so much of my life on hold for the “what if I’m pregnant?” 

We talked about being in Paris for our fifth wedding anniversary but couldn’t lock down plans because “what if”. We did a round of IVF instead. 

When I took this break from IVF what I kept telling myself and others was “I need to focus on me” for a while. I changed my position at work. Almost immediately I started toying with going back to school. At least I could move forward in my education. I did nothing to act on it. Recently, I’ve had some Facebook envy with friends going to NP school or getting their dream of working on a fire department. I decided that it was time to look into doctoral programs. 

Then this stupid voice said “But what if you have a baby?” 

We’re not even fully done with updating our testing and it’s already running my life again. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling nervous. Not about the shots or the surgery. The result has me concerned but the anxiety is far less than that of the unpredictability of scheduling. Being late to work. Giving my boss 36 hours notice of a missed day, assuming I limp along with the worst cramps of my life on day 2 if it’s a work day. Then of course tell her oh by the way I need a short day 5 days from now, but won’t know how short for 3 days. 

So here I am on hold. 


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