Losing My Religion

Whenever I feel powerless in a situation, I tend to return to my Catholic roots and prayer. We once had an alternator in the car that threatened to strand us on I-95. I said Hail Marys literally nonstop until we were within range of our AAA plus tow miles. When my dad was taken back into brain surgery after an unexpected complication, I went straight to the chapel. The day after my positive pregnancy test, I went to Sunday mass for the first time in years.  

In general, I have been feeling like I want to reconnect with my faith lately. I’ve even made it to mass a few times. I don’t know if it’s a sense of desperation or what but I decided I wanted to find a prayer for infertility. I googled “novena for infertility” and got directed to a page describing why the Catholic Church prohibits IVF.  

Great. Now what? 

The easy answer is that my Catholic days are over. Awesome. I can eat meat on Fridays! It’s honestly not the first time I’ve religion hopped. As a teenager, I went to a Nazarene church for their youth programs. That’s where I did my bible quizzing.  My ride across town graduated from college and moved away so I didn’t do anything for a while. I was invited to attend my friend’s church so I was a Congregationalist for high school.  I think I defaulted back to a Catholic in a no practicing way. At my Dad’s funeral I started to feel a bit comforted in my powerlessness. 

The easy adjunct to that answer is that Hubby’s Granny gets her wish and I could convert to Judaism. I checked. IVF is ok…at least sort of. But if we’re using an egg donor we’re out again.  I also feel very strongly about my love of Christmas. I made it pretty close to conversion through Hillel in college but when I went to speak to the rabbi he asked me to explore what my most treasured family traditions were. The idea of never having a Christmas tree again was too much to bear. Sure, we could be the Jews who celebrated Christmas but what’s the point of converting to a religion only to half-ass it. Correct me if I’m wrong my chosen friends, but it seems like celebrating the birth of Jesus as my Lord and savior is going to rank high on the objectionable scale. 

I suppose the answer will come when I figure out if it’s worse to be a Catholic egregious sinner or a Jew with a Christmas tree.

So where does this leave us? I really do have a belief in God and I truly worry about the fate of my soul. Thanks to my lizard brain I spend considerable time worrying about my death and whether I will go to heaven or not. 

I wonder if it really is as simple as believing that faith in God is truly the right thing and that this organized religion is mucking it all up. No lie. As I pondered this, a commercial for the Bible miniseries came on. 

I don’t know that I will ever have the answer. 

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