Decisions

Overall I’m an open book about everything in my life. Maybe it’s the adult rebellion against the generations old Irish upbringing of keeping up appearances and ignoring problems. Maybe it’s that I process best when talking through my problems and verbally trying on all my options. 

The two aspects of my life about which I’ve probably been the most outspoken have been my infertility and my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. Now I find them intersecting. Following the loss of Blastkap in addition to the relatively recent losses of our Dads, my PCP and I made the decision for me to resume my antidepressant medication.  I felt stuck in a bottomless pit of grief and I just couldn’t function. Four months and one dose adjustment later, I was able to rate my mood 9.5/10. 

All good, right? I’m making plans with friends, eating healthier, getting along with Hubby. Why would we mess with a good thing? Well, we’ve decided to resume fertility treatments and the risks of antidepressants during pregnancy just aren’t worth it. 

I’m nervous about it, to say the least. I’m in such a good place, but I know I have to start getting comfortable with the idea that certain concessions have to be made if we plan to have a new little housemate. 

We’re going about it pretty smart, if I must say so. Due to the specific neurotransmitters affected by my medication, it will take me about two months to fully transition off. I’ve signed up for the mind body program at the Domar Center where I will be in a group of ladies with infertility who will be learning stress management, coping strategies, and a little bit of yoga. The program will run, you guessed it, a little over two months. 

In all my apprehension, I started reflecting on what things were like when I first stopped medication to seek the stork. I realized that the time when I felt the best about my life was when I wasn’t actually on medications. There’s something to be said about endorphins and eating right. The time I was feeling my best was when I was busting ass at the gym and doing weight watchers. Guess it looks like the best plan is to eat less and move more. I have a feeling that’s the best plan for everything in life.

It’s a good thing. It has been a long time since my gym clothes saw a gym. 

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