The Hardest Part, part 1

As part of my mind body class, we’re using journaling, or I guess in my case blogging, for 20 minutes for three days. This is kind of my pre-existing journal so here goes.

The hardest part of my infertility is and will always be the feeling of failure.

I feel like a failure as a wife because I haven’t been able to give Hubby a baby yet. This can’t be what any man signs up for. Not even the most masochistic people plan to have an infertile wife. To watch all those around you start their families and celebrate Father’s Day and have a smaller version of yourself in the world. Nevermind that I continually try to show him the door to find someone who can give him a baby, that I treat him terribly when he’s just trying to figure out how to support this crazy woman. If I wasn’t mad with grief and resentment, I was a hormonal time bomb. You can bet he was the only one standing in the fallout. 

I feel like a failure as a daughter and daughter in law because I never gave either of our Dads a baby to hold and love before they were so cruelly ripped off this earth from us. And I will always feel like I cheated my children out of knowing these two amazing men who would have loved them like crazy. For them to never have a true meaning for the word.

I feel like a failure as a friend because my journey has consumed my life and I really have few resources left to be a good friend. I used to be thoughtful. I used to be fun. I used to go out of my way to do nice things, and now I forget to wish happy birthday. 

I don’t think I could even begin to discuss how I’ve felt like a failure at work, that I really believe some part of my brain and drive was damaged by all of it. 

Maybe it was the so-called millennial upbringing where everyone got a trophy and maybe I just got too used to things coming easy: grades, friends, promotions, even my meeting my husband at 20 years old. Maybe I never learned how to not be the best and maybe my thinking is too black and white and pass/fail. 

Or maybe it’s just that being unable to make my body do this one thing that seems all too easy for other people is just more than I can take, even now. 


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