The Hardest Part, part 3.

Supposedly by this time, things should be feeling better and so far the evidence has been pointing in that direction. The exhaustion variable aside, I went from a solid hour of crying to a few tears and sniffles during Part 2. Of course the group leader knows what she’s doing, I don’t question that, especially seeing as she was also our couples’ counselor and our marriage is still standing. I guess it’s just nice to actually appreciate the truth as evidenced in my life. 

So where am I on the hardest part? I’m not sure. I know that failing at something implies that any part of it was fully within your control, which three “failed” IVFs later I can’t say I didn’t show up and do my best. So I’m not sure I’m being entirely authentic to the term, and as a speech scientist I owe myself at least that much. While on the very related topic of speech science, and my savant-like instincts in terms of swallow impairments, I cannot stand when someone says a patient “failed” their swallow test. It’s not pass/fail. It’s a compilation of clinical results that represents a single snapshot in time. Yet, until this point I’ve been completely unable to apply the same logic to infertility treatment. 

Maybe it’s the result of a few too many Facebook posts or pins but I still find myself ashamed of my catastrophic emotional collapse after the loss of Blastkap2. If you pay attention you’re told that you have no control of circumstances but you have control of your reaction…or maybe it was response. Tangentially I’m reminded of some class I took in my 20 years in school where we learned the difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction is immediate and often instinctual and a response involves thought or logic. After my loss (if I could stop avoiding the word miscarriage I might be better off), I was entirely reaction. There was not a shred of working memory available to create a response. It’s scary times thinking that could happen again. 

I also think my self-doubt is 90% bullshit. There’s no way I could actively plan another cycle and have secret future pregnancy Pinterest boards if I thought all I could do is fail. 

Hm. No tears. Assignment accomplished. 

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