The first of the last

Maybe I’ll eat these words. Maybe I’ll regret the utmost openness if people start counting days and asking questions. Maybe this is entirely too self-important. 

I just did my first round of injections for my fourth and last IVF cycle. I don’t remember this level of post-injection stinging and I’m significantly out of practice. Paramedic Hubby to the rescue. 

I’m in a much different place mentally than the last three. I actually made a joke with my primary care at yesterday’s physical. Being 30 I complained of the occasional ache or creak and he said “just wait ’till you’re 40”. I said “my eggs already think they are”. It was around that time he noted that not only have I bounced back from the grief of Lifemageddon but may even be better now than before two fails and a loss. 

I spent some time in the so-called fertility goddess pose before my injections, very earthy crunchy of me, and visualized. It started as visualizing healthy eggs and I think I mentally rehearsed the whole cycle. The appointments, the retrieval, the waiting. Mentally prepared. 

I had an urge to put on Defying Gravity this morning in the car, so I did and it struck me…

Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap. 

Here we go again. I can do this. 

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