Last ditch effort? 

Maybe in more ways than one and maybe that’s the problem in and of itself. 

My egg retrieval is tomorrow. Up until 9:00 or so tonight, I was feeling pretty pumped. This is it. Do or die. The final answer to the whole IVF question once and for all. Not even in a crazy putting pressure on myself kind of way. More of a really excited way. I was drying off from a shower and the room started spinning and my heart started racing. I kind of figured it was a panic attack so I layed back and put on a guided meditation I like. It worked. But not for long. I distracted myself with some of my favorite shows on DVR but my heart hasn’t stopped racing out of my chest. 

The saying goes something like, if you hear hooves in Central Park, don’t look for zebras. I’m going to guess that I haven’t suddenly developed an acute cardiac issue and this is probably anxiety. 

But why? 

In my active mind, I feel fine. In fact I’m even a little resentful my body knows something my conscious mind doesn’t. This is my fourth retrieval. I’m a pro at this. Go in,  change into gown but keep on my super awesome socks. Get an IV. Walk in and prepare for a nap. Wake up and be a little sore only long enough for a pain med and some animal crackers. 

So maybe it’s not the procedure itself.

Ok. I think I found it because the heart rate kicked into high gear. I think I’m really anxious to know the result, to know if the supplements and war on phthalates have changed anything. I want to know if I’m the next pregnancy announcement in the mind body group. But I really wasn’t viewing this as a bad kind of anxiety. It’s like waiting for Christmas morning to know what Santa brought you. I believe in my heart of hearts that all signs are pointing to this working. Am I maybe putting too much on the line? 

I don’t know. 

All I know is that 5 hours from now, I’ll be putting on my unicorn socks and wicked strong tee shirt to do this thing. 

8 hours from now I’ll be sedated and as far as I’m concerned, done with my part in the egg quality question. 

…Assuming my heart doesn’t leap out of my chest and sprint clear across the state by then. 

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