Up and down

Congrats to me. I finally have a post that I won’t share to Facebook. It’s entirely too dark a look into my damaged psyche. Most of this is just the distorted reality in which I find myself and it’s not putting anyone involved in a good light. I do realize the next post that gets shared means this one can be found, but at least I didn’t roll out the welcome mat. I’m hurting and angry that I spent my entire life doing the right thing even when all I wanted to do was the wrong thing and I’m rewarded with infertility. I’m likely to hurt some feelings and I can own up to it. 

No sooner than I get the hope-mobile up and running, the wheels fell off. I don’t know. Maybe this is the bottoming out of the hormones at around 1 week to the day of their ceasing. 

I really had it going good the past few days. “This is my fight song” and all. There’s some big plan for me yada yada so on… I even got hopeful when a Today contributer gave birth to her IVF baby. Of course she used $3,000 technology to select to implant only a genetically normal embryo. I don’t have that luxury in funds or embryos so we could very well drop that $3k only to be told there are no genetically normal embryos to transfer. Not unlike my first cycle I guess. Maybe it’s better than the unpredictable unwanted message from my uterus. 

The reproductive endocrinologist has nothing more to offer than to do the exact same thing and hope for the best. I’m not faulting him in the least but I guess it’s just not sitting right with me. I consulted my primary care and we talked about getting a second opinion. I’m very torn. I feel disloyal and can’t imagine anything being different but this is really and truly my last chance at a baby with my own eggs.

And yet, every time I think about it, a feeling of dread comes up. I feel like it’s not going to work and why are we even going to bother putting me through all of this? An IVF cycle is so much to go through just to “get it over with” so we can get to plan B.

The idea of donor egg is simultaneously a solution and the epitome of failure to me. I’m so useless as a wife that some younger prettier woman has to give me half of my baby. I’m not pretending this is reasonable, but it’s very real to me right now. Not to mention how expensive it is which will stress out Hubby to no end. But I’m pretty sure it’s the only chance we have of having a child. So I’m not ruling it out but I don’t know that I’m crazy about it. 

I almost want my second opinion to be that there is no chance of me ever having a child. Then we know and it’s done with and I can move on with my life. 

“There’s always adoption” unless the person saying that is willing to either get pregnant and sign their kid over to us or hand us 40k, they can shut up. I’m tired of hearing from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. And that friend of a friend of a cousin of a coworker’s sister in law that MAGICALLY got pregnant when they filed adoption papers isn’t me. And how messed up is that story you’re trying to tell me? That if I pretend to want to give my heart to a wonderful child who needs a mom that I’ll be “rewarded” with a child of my own. Adopted children aren’t consolation prizes or a stepping stone for what one /really/ wants. Anyone who thinks like that doesn’t deserve the love of an adopted child. 

I need to probably be kinder to myself because in the grand scheme of things it has really been like a week but right now, I’m just straight up ugly. 

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