Lost

I tried to come up with something that had to do with feeling lost and I was reminded of a radio commercial for a fertility clinic that used a GPS as part of the message. It was years ago and I remember thinking that I might need a place like that someday. 

Too bad this process has absolutely no GPS, or if it does, half the streets have been closed.

(Ok. Pausing for a second. I just tried to type GPS up there and due to proximity of letters typed GOD. I just did it again typing GPS in this side bar. More on this later I think but how perfect that God’s name shouts out in all caps when I’m talking about having no GPS)

Hubby and I spent a lot of time talking about what our next step would be. I sat in our kitchen in tears that I would just be trying to “get through” another cycle with no belief it would work. Hubby expressed just how painful it is to see me like that, and how broken it makes me every time, and that I deserved to just have the odds on our side already. We didn’t really make a decision but we started talking options. 

Then while on our restorative trip to NY, we found ourselves in our favorite bagel shop. There was a blueberry gum ball machine. Hubby pointed it out and I said “they’re all blue gum balls” (a metaphor from my mind body group referring to a good embryo that becomes a baby) and he said “that’s what we need” and I said “that’s donor egg”. We felt that we had made our decision. 

I was at peace with it, in fact a little excited. I felt like we actually had a chance now. I embraced it. I called Boston IVF and signed up for an information seminar. I signed up for the donor agency web access. I started reading a book about the psycho-social aspects of third party reproduction. 

The seminar was yesterday. I felt uncomfortable from the start because I was clearly the youngest person there. Bad eggs, oh well. Probably 5 minutes in of a 2 hour session, I was so overwhelmed with information that I was ready to cry. By the time the social worker passed around the very same children’s books I had pinned to my secret pregnancy Pinterest board, I couldn’t even open them. I just passed them to the next person and whispered to Hubby. “I don’t think I can do this”. Maybe it was the layout of the astronomical costs that were at least double what I was expecting and maybe it was that deep down I thought I was settling. I started to think that maybe I should do one more ivf and if it doesn’t work then we learn to live without children. 

The seminar finally ended and the office where my fertility specialist is located was calling the minute I took my phone out of my bag. My IVF cycle, the one I wasn’t going to do, has been approved by insurance 2 weeks after seeing the doctor. Probably didn’t even go to them for a week. It rarely takes less than 3 weeks to get an answer. I told her I was super confused and overwhelmed because I thought I was doing the donor egg program. She pulled up my insurance and told me I don’t meet the criteria to be covered for donor egg. 

Pardon me, but, what the actual fuck. 

I told her I was overwhelmed and needed to do a lot of thinking and for whatever reason I said I would call back Friday. 

So now my big plan has changed. Without insurance coverage I can’t do it anyway and I’m not feeling comfortable with it as a choice. But I’m not 100% sure doing a 5th IVF cycle is the right choice either. But it is only hard when it ends and if we go on the assumption that God is directing me there with what seems like giant orange batons, then it won’t end. 

But I’m having so much trouble figuring out if this is a choice, the illusion of a choice, a sign, a message from God, or me being led astray by the life I’ve planned. I have a coworker whom I have come to love dearly. I needed her to make a huge life decision because it affected a few of us and she asked for the weekend to “pray on it” and it just struck me as awesome. When all of this happened yesterday, that conversation is what I thought of. That I needed to pray on this. 

I just don’t know where to start, I guess. 

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