I definitely haven’t blogged in a while. There are a couple ones hidden in here that were never shared via social media probably because I was ashamed of how I was feeling or I felt like I was getting off topic. But here I am. Life has been crazy. I went back to rehab management. I was doing the job anyway so like the president of my company said, I might as well just take the title. But with officially taking the responsibility back I’m losing the flexibility I had that made my last cycle easy. Now I have to plan for coverage and the luxury of the relaxing transfer day off is probably not possible. If I’m experiencing a loss again, I can’t just take 2 days off and let someone else figure it out. I have to muddle through my job trying not to let anyone else know and take cry breaks behind the dumpster.
I was scheduled to start prep for a new cycle today. Timing would be pretty good. If it worked, miracle of the menorah announcement and a summer maternity leave. If it didn’t, the magical Christmas season would brighten my spirits like they did last year.
I backed out.
All last week as I prepared, I kept telling myself that this was the “I’ve ran out of fucks to give” cycle.
Work is going to be hectic as every two weeks I’m getting a new employee to train and send elsewhere in the company. This is factual. It would be asinine to mix hormones and unpredictable schedules with that. But it was also a convenient place to hide.
I’ve also lost track of my eating and exercise and I have been drinking too much for the average person, never mind someone who’s supposed to be trying to conceive. Oops. BMI guideline. Can’t cycle now.
The fact of the matter is that I am probably sabotaging myself because I’m terrified to do my last cycle. To have a 50/50 shot of finally having to close the book on a full biological child and play the waiting game of qualifying for third party reproduction. And I am pretty sure I’m in a reverse psychology game of chicken with my own emotions because I’m afraid to care and be hurt.
I guess I’m waiting until my head and body are back in the game.