This isn’t where we intended to be

Why Evita took up residence in my head is unexplainable. Maybe it’s the “where do we go from here?” 

On Saturday, Hubby and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. Today, I remember, acknowledge, lament that we have been infertile for 4 of those years. It was the weekend of our second anniversary. I had seen my primary care physician to see if I should change my medications or do any testing before we decided to start trying to have a baby. I remember the visit well because he asked if I was ready to “throw [my] hat in the ring”. I tapered off my depression and anxiety meds and the Saturday morning we had big magic plans to celebrate our anniversary, I woke up with Aunt Flo. Thus began our journey. 

Part of me is nostalgic for that first year of trying. Every month was a new adventure. Every day late was exciting. I’m nostalgic for 2011-2012 in general because we just really had life going for us in a way that we just have never had again. Friends, health, family, happiness… And no failed IVF cycles. Maybe it was because we had a life that existed beyond having life on hold for some hypothetical baby that was never going to come. 

I’ve deleted four nice ways of saying this, but I just wish I could have my fucking life back. I just don’t know exactly what that means anymore. 

I was about to have major weight loss surgery and decided to do weight watchers instead because they make you wait 2 years after gastric bypass to get pregnant…4.5 years ago. My PCP and I actually were emailing today and he said “the irony of the timing isn’t lost on me”. Who knows what might have happened. I could drive myself crazy with the what-ifs so I’m not going there. 

Who knows what the future holds at this point for us. I just know that I am miles away from where I thought we would be.


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