Something has changed within me

“…you can have all you ever wanted…

…I know. But I don’t want it, no I can’t want it anymore”

So after much agonizing and second guessing and listening to the Wicked soundtrack we have made the decision to stop fertility treatments indefinitely. It’s just madness for me to throw myself into it with just hoping for the best. Oddly enough, every prayer folks have shared at work this week has to do with trusting God’s timing. If that’s the case, what I decide to do doesn’t matter anyway.

For now, I’m going to work on me. I’m going to make some changes for me and be the best me I can. 

Part of me is trying to keep a pinky toe in the water and hoping that being “done” is going to be the miracle everyone seems to know someone who had. The odd part is that it would actually not be what I wanted for once. I actually want the time to work on me. 

I don’t know what that means for this blog. Do I still muse on my thoughts while we’re not actively seeking the stork? Will I feel more peace? Right now I’m a mix of healthy yet confusing envy of those in my life who are plunging headlong into their cycles and daily fear of soul-crushing Facebook announcements. 

I don’t know that I’m forever out of the game. I’m just… Done for now. 

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