October has come and gone. Sadly, the pain of pregnancy loss and of course its context of infertility isn’t kind enough to contain itself to just one month of the year. I’m grateful though, because it had such a presence this month that it actually felt normalized. The first of the month, I changed my Facebook photo to a picture saying “I have babies I carry in my heart” and my cover photo referred to the month. I kept it all month, and I never really stopped to think that my photo would show up on every comment I made, every status I posted, every time Facebook suggested someone friend me. I would say my actual references to pregnancy loss was maybe 10% of the time but passively, the information was there. That is so much like my life right now. I may not talk about it all the time, but it’s there.
It’s in the way I prefer so much more to be a homebody nowadays. It’s in how I am afraid of pregnancy announcements, because I can’t trust my reactions. How I could simultaneously want to congratulate you because you clearly deserve happiness but begin to ugly cry because you being pregnant makes me really sad about my infertility. As more of my friends have children, this will get horrendously more awkward. Hubby and I recently had an argument that I can’t avoid pregnancies, which is true, and it’s not that I’m angry with them or blaming them, I’m just in emotional pain caused by anger at my body, envy, and frustration.
Every new pregnancy, whether in my support group or my social circle, makes me second guess my decision to stop treatments. I know I really can’t face the potential for another loss at this point. I have to work on making my body healthier and better able to respond to IVF meds (and you know, live longer and whatnot.) I just think I’ll always have a little voice prodding me.
Either this will resolve and I’ll look back stronger or I’ll find some way to keep covering it to protect myself and maybe it will be some type of emotional pearl.
In the meantime, well, I have no idea.