My only wish

I feel kind of weird about my infertility these days. I’ve stopped all treatments and have no current plans to resume. 

In fact, I’ve decided to make a huge life change. I’ve decided to undergo gastric bypass surgery. My brilliant scientist of a fertility specialist tells me time and again that my weight isn’t causing my infertility, yet some clinics won’t cycle someone who weighs even 40 lbs less than I do. Not to mention that this is something I’ve been wanting to do off and on for the last 10 years. I can’t face doing the same thing and just hoping for the best so I’ve got time until I am ready to face it again. So wow. Big deal. Also prevents me from trying to conceive for 18 months but the surgeon’s PA is so optimistic, she urges me to start thinking about contraception. Holy weirdness. 

I actually made this decision months ago and have started the process. I’m 100% all in, to the point where I have given up sugar. Baby-wanting brain, time to turn off for a while. Need to focus on getting ridiculously hot.    Oddly enough, my infertility and desire for a child continues to want to burrow itself firmly in the absolute front of my mind. I was at church this morning and the gospel was about Mary visiting Elizabeth while both were pregnant and the homily was about the child in Mary’s womb being the fulfillment of God’s promise. The first thought that interrupted my mindful listening was “Where is the fulfillment of my promise?” Totally selfish and unexpected. All I could do in the moment was pray for patience but what right do I have to ask for patience when I’ve chosen not to pursue it? It still feels so confusing for me.

I thought I was pregnant yesterday. I was two weeks late and had been struggling with those odd overlapping pre period/early pregnancy symptoms. I just wanted to know for sure though I urged myself not to get my hopes up. “We’re not that lucky” I said. Hubby read the results to me. “Well, we know for sure and can move forward”. 

So why does my mind continually wander back here? Why for even a split second does it want to be what I wish for on every eyelash, 11:11, birthday candle, lucky penny. Why can’t I walk away for now?


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