Maybe the lack of posting is indicative of feeling better. Nothing has made me seethe enough to feel the need to vent or be profound. 

I’ve just been living I guess. But now I find myself signing a long term lease with In-Between Land. I’m a little of everything all at once. Clearly I haven’t given up hope of having a biological child, be it genetic or merely epigenetic. Otherwise I would have all the time in the world to lose weight and try again. I played this game before. I never lost all the weight and I never had the baby. I don’t really think these rapidly dying eggs have 5 more years of messing around. That, and the surgeon again advised me to use contraception and warned me of “hyperfertility” being a side effect. 

And yet, I find myself continually being drawn to adoption. I think the 40K price tag initially pushed it far out of my mind, but the more I learn, the more I feel like it’s a great choice. Still not something we can do for quite some time anyway because to be as successful as I want and need to be, it’s going to require a level of self-preservation that I have never attempted. I’ll have to prioritize my time, resources, and goals to get there and I think emotionally it will be a struggle. Wouldn’t leave too much room for the process of adopting. 

And then of course there’s the pesky question mark over my fertility. Is it selfish to adopt when I could still conceive and others can’t? I heard there are 10 couples waiting for every available infant. Is it possible to be selfish as an adoptive parent?

I just don’t know where it leaves this blog. My infertility stress isn’t totally gone. Recently I was told the sex of a friend’s baby and I cried and in total asshole form said “I don’t want to know anything else. I’ll ask if I want to know” to the person who told me. A coworker is pregnant and people talked about it throughout my facility and I spent a lot of time doing deep breathing exercises. But it feels weird because I feel like I gave up my privileges by walking away for now. It’s a little Ross and Rachel (“We were on a break!”).

So now what? Do I hold onto it for the occasional overindulgent ponderance? Maybe start a new one for my weight loss journey?


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