Timehop told me yesterday that I started this blog a year ago. I was a bit preoccupied with meeting my favorite country singer (Mr. Lee Brice who is even sweeter than I imagined he’d be). So happy belated birthday blog.
That means, though, that my second post “The Bitter Place” was a year ago today. That post is hard to read because I can still feel my heart breaking and despite all my growth I feel like I could still be a breath away from there. Part of me knows this post is colored with yoga-tinted glasses because I’m super relaxed.
That being said, a lot has changed in the last year. I would have never thought that I could be where I am now without my infertility resolved. Heck, I’ve even sadly had another loss, and somehow, I’m better than ever. How is this even possible? I really do believe it’s a result of getting my head on straight, or should I say finding my way out of my own head. I learned the relaxation response, I started yoga, and I found Jesus (at the risk of being a little facetious). I think it has been really important for me to have all three. I have guided relaxation to settle my mind, yoga to trust my mind and body to move together, and my return to the Catholic Church to guide my spirit.
What has been also helpful is actually the void this blog needed to fill. I had nobody I felt could understand me so I vented into the blogosphere. The support network I have formed between my own group and two groups as a peer leader has been invaluable. I’ve gotten to know women of phenomenal strength and who I can relate to.
So here I am, all happy and feeling like I’m okay. I was actually really proud of myself. There is couple whose pregnancy I had been struggling with for myriad reasons, and last week it was as though a cloud lifted when I saw a gift that would be perfect for their baby. So I mailed it to them, kind of as a “forgive me for being dramatic”. I can’t and won’t apologize for how I felt because my experiences shaped it but I can own that I unintentionally made things pretty awkward. But thankfully that seemed to be subsiding.
Total settled and zen and totally cool with my spot in my infertility journey. Yes. No? What?
Hubby and I joined a gun club today which is a long story in and of itself but at the risk of getting off track we’ll skip it. Despite their multiple female members, I was certainly a minority in the orientation today. That’s why it’s a little understandable that they read a man’s name when calling me up to get my membership card and keycard.
Only problem is they literally said the name of what we planned to name our son. It was pretty much “Baby Rafkap, uh, Realname Rafkap” It took me a beat to even move and I was like, “Yeah, I’m definitely not a “Babyname” I saw it in Hubby’s eyes. His Daddy senses were tingling.
We moved on from it and went about our day. As we got home, a cardinal flew across our yard. They always remind me of my Dad and a medium told my best friend that he’s visiting me when I see a red bird. Automatically I said “aw! Daddy’s visiting me!” Hubby indulged it and pointed out that there were a number of cardinals in the tree. “Very special visit” I said. Then I remembered that the same medium told my friend that I’ll conceive when I least expect it and that he is being coy about it.
COME ON! Not now. I’m doing so well. I just got cleared for surgery. It’s like 6 weeks away. I’m living my life for me! Don’t mess with me! I keep thinking of a sermon Judah Smith did (the first of his I listened to) and he talks about Elisha and the Shunamite woman and because she was such a nice woman, he promises a son within a year. Her response? Don’t mess with me.
I honestly don’t even know what manner of mixed emotions I would have over a spontaneous miracle like that. I’d be thankful and joyous but probably a little bummed for missing out on seeing my surgery through.
What I do know is that as screwy as my head feels right now, it’s still a million miles away from the bitter place.