Moving Forward

…the awkward moment you start getting emails regarding your “upcoming due date” and caring for your “new baby”. Yeah. About that. I blame myself a little because I put my March 22 due date into the What to Expect App all those weeks ago. At least I’m guessing that’s who sold my info. It was the only way to connect to the infertility treatments board in the app but also, it was fun to dream. 

I’m surprisingly ok. It’s kind of like an emotional fender bender. You take a quick inventory of yourself and nervously get out of your car, expecting a horrifying amount of damage and yet, you and your car are surprisingly unharmed. 

Up until recently I was having a horrendous time at coping, which is kind of sad considering I was mentoring a crop of infertile women and feeling like kind of a fraud. Now we have encountered a number of other triggers not even including the due date emails. And yet, not a scratch. 

Maybe it’s mentoring a new group or maybe I have hope again thanks to feeling like I have a plan in place. My surgery is scheduled. In two months I will be well on my way to a life I have never known. I read a study that had a number of infertile women and 3 years post surgery all of the ones who still wanted to conceive had. So at least there’s that. Maybe it was the stagnation that was killing me. 

I keep thinking about a quote from Angels in America that I had on my Facebook for years:

Nothing’s lost forever. In this world, there’s a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that’s so.

I think I can leave it at that. 

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