Passing Time

Holy shit. I’m blogging. Didn’t know when it would happen again. I figured it would be a momentous occasion or reaction to something either dramatically positive or negative. Nope. Just a really chill realization of the matter-of-fact way we’re finding peace with the journey.

Sometimes it’s frustrating that people around me are moving on in their family building and I feel a little left behind with my mandatory contraception until October 2017 (not that I’m counting down or anything). I find it helpful to focus on the awesomeness that is right now. I’m focusing on how different the world feels without an extra 70+ lbs. How concert seats are more comfortable. How I’m less afraid to trust chairs, roller coaster safety supports, hammocks. Of course, being out of exclusively plus size clothing doesn’t hurt either.

I’m kicking around a sort of Day Zero/bucket list for this time. Not that I don’t think I’ll be able to do these things once the baby making window reopens (I of all people know that nothing is guaranteed) but it’ll give me so much cool stuff to focus on right now. It’s nothing crazy, just small fitness things like trying Soulcycle or things I never thought were possible like running the Falmouth Road Race (still not 100% it is possible but I’ve got 51 weeks or so).

Overall I really do feel more settled than ever. It helps that I have three wonderful godchildren whose cuddles fill the void like no other. My goddaughter (AKA my little BFF and my mini me) is super smart and absorbs everything, even if she doesn’t let me in on it right away. She has given me a glimpse into just how much my infertility had consumed my conversations with people because lately, she has had a lot of questions and statements about me and babies. Not too long ago my mom and I were talking about my goal weight and BFF asks “is that the day they give you a baby?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Over the last few weeks she has had a lot of questions about when/why/how I will have a baby. I had to choose how to handle it. I didn’t want to lie to her or tell her she wouldn’t understand because she shows time and again that she understands so much on her own time. So I chose to be honest with her in the gentlest terms possible about anything and everything she asked.

Today she absolutely floored me with her recall and processing. We were talking about some hypothetical future. She turned to me and said “You can come visit with the baby you had or adopted”. So plain and just accepted as fact in her mind. I think it surprised me not only because this three year old has these concepts kicking around in her head but because her attitude seems to mirror mine without me realizing it. Well, we /do/ call her my mini me.

I swore I’d never be an “everything happens for a reason” kind of person, and I’m still not, because there really is no explanation for some of the devestatingly unfair shit that has happened to people, but I will concede that there have certainly been a few silver linings (not even including the insane summer of concerts we’ve had).



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