I don’t even know where to begin. Today doesn’t feel so different from the past. I’m awake too early, watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother. I’ve overbooked my day against my better judgment.
And yet, a lot has changed.
This day used to be ridiculously hard for me. Which is probably still an understatement. There is a particular indescribable pain in waiting for something that never comes, gradually magnified by feeling left behind. Conversations for which you have no input and you’re not sure you ever will. Our brief brushes with hope always stung a little extra around Mother’s Day.
I’m not sure I’m able to let go of the pain this day brought and embrace the excitement. Maybe it doesn’t feel real yet, despite the near constant flip flopping and inconveniently placed kicks that stop me in my tracks. Or maybe I’m still slightly afraid to embrace it. I met with HR to discuss FMLA. I’ve been navigating a bunch of annoying red tape preventing my access to my short term disability benefits and yet, every conversation begins with that I’m “anticipating” a maternity leave in August. Not that I’m definitely taking one. 26 weeks in and I can’t shake superstition that our little rainbow will actually show up.
And in a weird coincidence, Bad News is the episode that just started. 50 is the first number. This episode kills me every time. I actually posted on Facebook about this episode last year on Mother’s Day. I will do my best to not read too far into it, that it counts down until the moment of pure shock and devastation. Though the reason it kills me is that I can deeply feel Marshall’s loss because of losing my own Dad, who I wish more than ever was here to hold his grandson someday. It’s interesting now that I think about it. As I was bleary eyed making a cup of coffee, a baby cardinal flew across the yard. Immediately I said “Hi Daddy”. So maybe it’s a reminder about our rainbow after all. Kind of like the rainbow at the end of the great flood when the Father promises never to destroy the world again. Maybe I’ll never understand his timing, but somehow this is the fulfillment of that promise.
Wow. This certainly took a different turn.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms of children on Earth and in Heaven, and for those whose children are still in their hopes. Happy Mother’s Day too, to those who love another woman’s children as her own and touch their lives the same.